Overcoming Depression

Depression Can Be Complex

My struggle in overcoming depression was a long and multi-faceted one. The components affecting my depression included heredity, weather, seasonal affective disorder, childhood sexual abuse, a vitamin deficiency, a poor choice of career, and the problem of achieving certain goals, to be let down upon reaching those goals. Beginning in my teen-aged years I began suffering from the blues. As an adult I was diagnosed with a low-grade type of depression known as dysthymia (sometimes misspelled as disthymia) This was punctuated every several years with a major depression, but never quite so severe that I required hospitalization.

A Gift From Mom and Dad?

Depression has been known to affect families and succeeding generations. I believe heredity may have been a factor because my father struggled with depression. His father also may have struggled with depression.

"Silent Night....Painful Night"

Beginning in my teen-aged years, I regularly became saddened around Christmas time. As I got older, I noticed my blues lasted through late December and January. February with its longer daylight hours and its milder weather became a much welcomed blessing for me. This may have been seasonal affective disorder. With respect to Christmas, itself, the assumption in our society that this was a holiday time of good cheer flew in the face of how sad and desperate I felt. The nature of Christmas giving, much anticipation up until Christmas, followed by the ripping open of a bounty of presents, left me with a feeling of emptiness and disappointment immediately after Christmas. (When I married, my wife and I addressed this problem by giving each other one gift a day for each of the twelve days of Christmas, from Christmas to Epiphany. This helped me a great deal in diminishing my holiday stress levels.)

I Am Cold and Depressed!

Oddly, weather may have affected my depression. In addition to the shortened days and longer nights, over the years I noticed I was affected by changes in barometric pressure preceding advancing cold fronts. When a cold front approached and I noticed cirrus clouds or "mares tails" in the sky, I would become overwhelmed with anxiety. My wife and a few close friends noticed a certain wild and desperate look in my eyes at these times. I mentioned it to one therapist, but the idea was immediately dismissed by him.

But I knew from stories I had heard from hunters and that I read in hunting and fishing magazines that animals will head for cover in advance of cold fronts and approaching storms, which are accompanied by changes in barometric pressure. I went to a medical library at our state university and researched the issue. I found one medical journal article that suggested women went into labor and there were higher birth rates coincident with the advance of weather fronts. I found in another article that doctors noted an increase in suicides with the advance of weather fronts. With this information in mind, I purchased an electronic watch which contained an altimeter--which measured changes in barometric pressure. I also installed a barometer in my home. In addition, I began paying closer attention to nightly weather forecasts. When the overwhelming feeling of anxiety would come, I would check and usually confirm by these resources that a cold front was approaching. Just knowing this information helped me relax a bit and thereby feel less anxious and depressed.

Steve's Ongoing Curse

As the years passed, it became clear to me the largest part of my depression arose from the fact I was a childhood victim of sexual abuse at the hands of a close family friend. This began when I was twelve years old and continued throughout my teen-aged years into my young adulthood. "Steve" was a powerful force in my life. His power began in small ways, and extended to every area of my life as a young man. Steve was a sociopath. I was his victim.

For Men, Depression is Vocational. (For Women it is Relational)

As an adult, I chose a career that often met with the issues of power, victimization, and powerlessness. In some ways my career as a lawyer was an excellent fit, given my life's circumstances. In other way, it was a terrible fit. I spent about twenty years actively practicing law as a solo practitioner. Overall, I have been licensed as an attorney for over twenty-five years. In the beginning, I expected some lean income years. But I really never got through the lean years. A low-grade depression dogged me--- dysthymia. This chronic depression was based, no doubt, upon my childhood sexual abuse issues, but also on the bad fit of my professional self with my personal self.

A Low Bank Balance Makes Me Low

About ten years ago, I faced a mid-life crisis of sorts. I ran into some financial problems. In order to pay my office rent I began borrowing on my credit cards. Just a bit; just to tide me over through a temporary cash flow problem. Well, the cash flow problem continued. And I continued to borrow, and borrow some more. Before I knew it, I was behind the 8-ball. The deeper in debt I went, the more my low-grade depression became acute. At one point, I was seriously depressed. I had a major depression. I had to face facts. It was clear I needed to close my law practice, yet I could not imagine life not being an attorney. After much soul searching, I did manage to negotiate my treacherous straits and set sail on another course.

You Can't Win For Losing; You Can Lose For Winning!

The most curious trigger for my depression was success, itself! I was relatively happy in pursuit of various goals in my life. Yet, when I achieved any major goal, I was soon thereafter overtaken with an empty feeling. By the end of high school, I chose a goal of getting accepted at an Ivy League college---specifically, Harvard. I achieved this, and my first semester at Harvard I was rudderless and becalmed in a vast ocean of personal disappointment. I felt a similar disappointment when I received my law school diploma. I felt, "Big deal! Is that all there is?" Later in my law career, I sued the man who molested me when I was a child. With my lawyer's excellent help, a jury awarded me with a $1,000,000 verdict. As it turned out, the judgment of $1,000,000 was uncollectable. At first I felt vindicated, but within a year or so after the trial, I felt depressed again.

Hear Me. Talk to Me. Give Me Drugs.

During my ongoing depression---disthymia, puctuated every few years with a major depression---I often contemplated whether suicide would be a solution to my pain. Fortunately, when things were at their lowest points, I sought medical help. Talking with my therapists and taking anti-depressant medication prescribed by them enabled me to survive. But I only utilized these tools to get me through the particular crises at hand. The funny thing about medications is you feel better having taken them, and then you convince yourself because you are feeling better, you no longer need the medications. As an alternate false belief, you think the medications are a hallmark of an ill person. If you no longer take the medications, you are no longer an ill person.

A Visit From the Grim Reaper Yields a Good Harvest!

The greatest help to me was the continued love and support of my wife. The other part was that I knew suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I knew that suicide leaves gaping emotional and psychic wounds in the surviving spouse, children, extended family, and friends.

Despite my entertaining thoughts of death, my cure from depression was brought on by the real prospect of my death. About ten years ago, I was diagnosed with heart disease, and was told I might die any day from a heart attack. I nearly collapsed about three or four times while at work downtown. Of course, my family doctor and the cardiologists he referred me to recommended surgery to by-pass my clogged arteries. But, I did not believe a major surgical intervention was warranted. Instead, I opted for a non-invasive approach to my heart disease. I changed my diet, I lost some weight, and I took a truck load of pills, both prescription drugs and vitamins. The crisis passed and my body began to repair itself. My atheriosclerosis has abated, and it may have reversed somewhat. I will continue to take several more truckloads of pills for the rest of my life.

Heart disease often accompanies depression. I am not sure which causes which, or, if they merely correlate with one another. Nevertheless, one of the pills I take is a high dose of niacin. This affects one of the types of cholesterol within my body. It helps keep down my triglycerides, which unattended, sky-rocket. I note that niacin is sometimes given to address depression. Since I have taken large doses of niacin under the supervision of my doctor, my cholesterol numbers have improved, but also I have not felt as depressed.

A .45 Machine Gun Can be Very Persuasive!

A larger factor has affected my well being. Several years ago, while traveling in Europe my daughter and I stumbled right into the middle of a violent crime being committed. Many gunshots were fired. One bullet struck a car only three feet away from us. The incident left me with symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. I knew when we returned home that I had to get psychological help.

Being shot at and nearly killed triggered many issues. But also, it dredged up many unresolved issues from my childhood sexual abuse. I found an excellent psychologist who had counseled many victims and witnesses of gunshot trauma. Together, we have worked the past couple of years sorting out the issues and resolving them. In the process, I have been freed from my previously life-long struggle with depression.

More and more each day, I look forward to life rather than being focused upon death as a solution to my life's problems.

Have you ever endured a period of depression?

When we are depressed our lives seem so hopeless and pointless. Some tragically yield to the false temptations of suicide's siren song. Yet, others manage to endure, and their depression lifts. Life becomes tolerable and even beautiful once again.

Tell us about your past battle with depression, how you managed to endure, and how your life has improved.

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